My guest today, Rosemary, brings a unique perspective on emotions with skills you may not be familiar with. SO much value, I am honored to share a platform for her to spread her message and help parents through her knowledge.
Take it allllllll in…
Motherhood is totally a wild ride of ups and downs and our emotions are a HUGE factor in that. In this post, we’re going to dive into the intense emotions of motherhood we rarely talk about. We will discuss why they are of the utmost importance and what to do when they show up.
Let’s start off by just naming these emotions. There are 5 main emotions of motherhood we typically don’t like and they are: ANGER, FEAR, DEEP SADNESS, ISOLATION, and SHAME. All of these emotions have the likelihood of cycling together and/or being layered on top of one another. Many of us have even experienced all of them AT THE SAME TIME. These emotions are incredibly common, but the tools for how to deal with them… not so common. I am here to help with that!!
THE TRUTH ABOUT EMOTIONS:
When we experience emotions we don’t like, it’s uncomfortable, and it feels like they are a problem we need to solve. Truthfully, our emotions only become a problem when we believe they make up WHO WE ARE. Really, our emotions are just messages. Messages that reveal to us our WANTS and our NEEDS. Some of those wants and needs are so deep and so powerful that the message can feel like it IS us.
If we believe our emotions define us, that means WE are the problem – yikes! Since PEOPLE can’t be problems we’re left trying to solve a problem THAT DOESN’T EXIST. When that happens, the real problem sits there unsolved and festering. It’s an unfortunate cycle that keeps us from moving forward.
I want you to know, mama, that you never were and never are the problem. As stated above people cannot BE problems they can only HAVE problems, and yes, there is a big difference.
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EMOTIONS ARE JUST MESSAGES??
Yes! Emotions are just messages – fantastic, powerful, intelligent messages about what we NEED and WANT. Reading these messages is the key to a satisfying life. A life where you function connected to your INNER GUIDANCE.
What we generally do with an emotion we DON’T LIKE is we try and stuff it down, avoid it, do whatever we can to get it to GO AWAY! But emotions are the most important messages you ever get because they are from your deepest self (your INNER GREATNESS)! And it is SO important for you to ACCEPT and DECODE your messages so you can get your deepest needs met, hold boundaries with ease, and enjoy a deeply satisfying life!
THE TOOLS:
Now we get to the really juicy part – the tools to help you accomplish this accepting and decoding of the emotions in YOUR life!
LANGUAGE OF LISTENING® is the life and parent coaching model I follow and teach. It is amazing for one, because of how SIMPLE its tools are and how EFFECTIVE the results are! Today I’ll teach you a little about the foundational LANGUAGE OF LISTENING® tool called: SAY WHAT YOU SEE® to help you achieve that first and VERY important step of acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean staying in an emotion you don’t like, or being OK with it. It’s about acknowledging reality and getting grounded so you don’t get stuck.
To use this tool, whenever you have an emotion you don’t like, speak to yourself in the second person (“you”) and reflect back to yourself how you are feeling without any additions or any judgment. You note 1) How you feel and 2) What you want.
Like this: “Oooooo! You are just SO MAD right now! It drives you crazy when he does that! You just want to scream!”
Last year after tests for not 1 but 2 types of cancer I was super-fearful! I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air, panicking, with a pounding heart. After seeing a therapist 3 times with no respite I took things into my own hands and used LANGUAGE OF LISTENING®. I just said to myself: “You’re really scared right now. You don’t want to die!” A weight lifted off me once I acknowledged how I felt. That opened me up to see the positive side – “You don’t want to die – that’s so perfect! It would feel terrible if you wanted to die! Of course, you want to keep on being here for your girls!” A little more of that and my heart rate went down and I fell peacefully back to sleep!
The second tool, DECODING is important too!
To work on decoding your emotion, sit with that feeling and ask: What need are you trying to help me meet–experience, connection, or power? What exactly are you trying to gain for me?
Once you’ve uncovered the need it’s trying to meet, decide whether or not you like the way you are trying to meet it. (We often have needs from our childhood our heart is still trying to get met for us. Some of our thought and behavior patterns are no longer helpful so letting them go is an important point for growth). Once you recognize the need and the pattern you don’t like, you can start to look for ways to lovingly meet that need in ways you LIKE, ways that won’t keep sending these emotions you aren’t happy about.
Another personal example:
I always felt a certain amount of shame when my house was messy and this yucky feeling would bubble up to force me into cleaning. Finally, I asked myself what those feelings were trying to gain for me. It all came tumbling out – my heart was trying to protect me from my mother’s unkind judgments about my tidiness (or lack-there-of, in her mind) and gain her approval to meet my need for connection. It meant I was never cleaning for me, but only for her, and I did not like that pressure! Once I let my heart know that I no longer needed to be protected from my mother’s judgment and could meet my need for connection in other ways, I was able to fully embrace my love of a tidy space! Now when I clean it’s all for me! Cleaning is so much more enjoyable, and I can show up in my life on my terms, the way I want to.
There you have it, mamas!
Your intense emotions are normal and highly valuable!! They are messages aimed at helping you connect with your deepest needs and wants. No more pushing them away, you can now decode those messages and live connected to your INNER GREATNESS, showing up for your family in ways you LOVE!
Rose Clark is an authorized LANGUAGE OF LISTENING® Life and Parenting Coach who teaches parents skills to find healing through parenting their children and/or reparenting themselves. She specializes in connecting people with the messages of their emotions so they can hold boundaries with ease and show up for their families in ways they LOVE! You can follow her on Instagram @after_aces and join her Empowered Parents Facebook group here: https://facebook.com/groups/1732344856909528
Please, remember to sign up for my email list so you never miss anything flawsome around here!
And grab your freebie on how to Get Lost in Your Child and really engage with them even on busy days (I’m off to get ready for my middle baby’s 5th birthday party.) If you’d like to work with me, find out how! To see your words in my blog, contact me today for a guest spot!
If you have a little in diapers but aren’t sure which brand may fit the best for their little tush, feel free to try a mixed selection with the Diaper Dabbler!
New perspectives captivate me. My new guest provides that. Asmini discusses overcoming a taboo part of life to find her strength and joy.
Mom Elevated is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.
You do not want to miss this…
The emotional warmth of the Autumn season has truly filled the corners of my home and the energy of my family is at an all-time high as it’s finally cooling down a bit here in North Texas. The Festival of Lights, or otherwise known as Diwali and the Indian New Year are approaching very quickly.
Growing up in America, celebrating Indian traditions and holidays are among my most cherished memories. It was a time I spent eating homemade specialty foods surrounded by family, love, and laughter. At this time, Indian families around the world welcome the Goddess of wealth and prosperity to light up their path and remove the darkness around them.
Lighting decorative candles and embracing artistic expression are definitely a must right now!
Even still, my mother and grandmother spend many hours creating a renewed atmosphere by refreshing the home and the family temple as well as making delicious homemade Indian treats. I was born in Oklahoma and raised in Texas and have always been a proud Texan, but I am so very proud of my heritage, the Indian culture itself is beautiful, distinct and unique, and is built by men and women of great tenacity, influencing philosophy not only across Southeast Asia but also the world. I look ahead and think about raising my son and creating similar experiences for him and combining them with my very American spirit.
I realize as mothers, we often become so consumed, at times, by what we want them to experience rather than enjoying the moment and letting it become an entirely new version of the tradition for us and for our children while still honoring our own childhood memories.
I encourage myself and all of you to stop and remember as this special season approaches, to be mindful of the fact that all we have is this moment and to allow that to be our joy.
As a single mother of one, this time of year is all about creating new versions of normal. It has been a relatively short amount of time since my ex-husband and I separated, about 2 years, but already feels much longer in some ways. As the saying goes with children, the days are long but the years are short.
Fortunately, we have built a steady co-parenting relationship and it seems to be working well at the moment. It has been so crucial for me to nurture a routine of self-love as I put my opinions and the opinions of others aside and objectively parent in the best interest of my son and in the process, own who I am and own my story. Each day, my son gives me the continued strength I need to be the best version of myself.
In the Indian community that I was raised in, the term, Single Indian Mother, is almost an oxymoron phrase. Living alone, working, being happy, having fun and raising a child with their father, who is no longer the mother’s romantic companion is very taboo and reflects an unacceptable lifestyle in many Indian communities even in modern-day American. A single mother does not mean the obvious, it does not mean raising your child alone forever, it is not a life sentence of unhappiness and failure.
Fortunately, strong, like-minded women continue to rise to the occasion, owning their stories, and making a difference for themselves and their children.
While single parenthood may not be a planned action for most, I look at it as a gift of sorts. No matter what the reason for separation, each woman has the right to her own happiness. Where she is not happy, she does not thrive and as a result, her children may not thrive, and societies may not reach their potential. I am proud to say that I am among the brave who stepped out and created a new paradigm not only for my mental stability, sanity, and peace but for my son’s as well. It was the single most difficult decision I have had to make, and the fear of change, failure, loneliness, or judgment, were just a few of the disrupting emotions that took over my entire being for a short while.
Nonetheless, one day at a time, those emotions left the party, and others joined. Feelings of being brave, vulnerable, strong and acknowledging a sense of accomplishment with the tiniest victories, started to fill the air especially as I intentional made changes to my lifestyle, the people that I surrounded myself with, and the boundaries that I created. It is important to note, that the negative emotions cannot be suppressed, they have to be assessed, accepted, loved so that they can be released! There is no greater happiness than what is felt after you have overcome great difficulties or hardships.
My purpose is to raise awareness to the strength of the women that chose to create a new normal, to fight for their families, to own their lives and empower those very same women to be the best version of themselves and in turn raise amazingly resilient, happy children.
I am a believer of faith and destiny, in that, all things have a reason and if it didn’t break you, it will make you stronger.
Sometimes, I say, jokingly, “I think I’m good, I don’t need the additional strength!” Surprisingly, we don’t have a choice! All jokes aside, the power is already in you, to become a mom elevated! I am very fortunate to be here with you as a guest blogger, thank you for continuing to inspire me and so many other mothers every day.
Take back your life! You only have one.
Signing off and sending you vibes of peace and love.
Asmini
In her blog, Asmini shares about herself and lifestyle as a single mother co-parenting with her son’s father, while working full-time as a Healthcare Professional. She has made it her mission to inspire mothers to revive their inner Goddess and take back their life by anticipating life’s disruptions and learning to work with them rather them against them, by investing in herself: body, mind, and spirit, there is nothing she cannot accomplish.
Please, remember to sign up for my email list so you never miss anything flawsome around here! And grab your freebie on how to Get Lost in Your Child and really engage with them even on busy days (I’m off to enjoy a movie night and 3-day weekend with the family.) If you’d like to work with me, find out how! To see your words in my blog, contact me today for a guest spot!
If you have a little in diapers but aren’t sure which brand may fit the best for their little tush, feel free to try a mixed selection with the Diaper Dabbler!
I had someone reach out and offer this as an anonymous guest post. The piece spoke to me, and I felt it was too important of a topic not to share.
We all have had these thoughts or feelings. Hopefully, in sharing, simply realizing you’re not alone is enough to give you some strength.
Take the power in relatability…
Mom Elevated is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.
They’d be better off without me.
There was a very dark point in my life where I believed this to be true.
From the outside looking in, it made no sense. I had a loyal husband who loved me, the sweetest little girl in the world, we had just bought our forever home the year prior, and I had a flexible, work-from-home career that I enjoyed.
Still, I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in what? It feels silly writing it now but I know there are so many mamas out there who can relate. I was drowning in the housework, the dishes, the laundry, packing lunches, making dinner, gymnastics, piano lessons – the everyday, normal things of life.
My anxiety continued to worsen until I became extremely depressed.
At first, it was a passing thought here and there but after a while, I thought it over and over and over in my head all day, every day – “They’d be better off without me”. I swore that if I wasn’t there to forget the clothes in the washer for two days or forget Wacky Wednesday and send my kid to school in normal clothes, they would be better off. If I wasn’t there to yell at my daughter or argue with my husband over what’s for dinner (because the thought of having to make another decision, no matter how minuscule, made me want to pull my hair out), they would be better off. If I wasn’t around to mess all of these things up, the people I loved the most would be better off.
Simply put, they’d be better off if I was dead.
Writing this now, I can see how distorted my thinking was. My thoughts became so dark that I ended up having two-week long stays in an in-patient behavioral health hospital. Having worked in the mental health field as a counselor and diagnostician (fancy word for diagnosing mental health disorders), this was extremely humbling.
With the help of some medication, A LOT of counseling, and the support of my family (especially my husband), I am happy to say that I am no longer in that place. I will always have anxiety to some degree, it’s just who I am. But now I have something else that I didn’t have before – grace.
I have always had the grace of God but I never gave myself that same grace… not for anything.
If I left laundry in the washer for two days, I use to think, “Great, I am so stupid, now I have to wash these same clothes again and I won’t have time to do that other load that needs to be done”. Now? Now, I graciously laugh at my forgetfulness, start another wash cycle, and then LET IT GO. I don’t tell myself how stupid I am or dwell over not having time for the second load. Because you know what? I’m not stupid! (And as far as that second load goes, it can always be done tomorrow.)
I am a busy, working mom and wife who can confidently say she’s doing her best at everything she takes on.
If I say something I regret to my husband, I apologize and give myself the same grace he gives me when he forgives me. If I have a hard day at work and come home and yell at my daughter over something silly, I’m honest with her. I tell her, “Mommy was upset about something else, nothing to do with you, I am sorry for yelling at you”. (Surprisingly, she is always understanding and gives me grace as well.) I tell her I love her and she hugs me tight, tells me she loves me too, and then goes back to playing as if nothing happened. And what do I do after that? You got it, give myself grace and try to do better next time.
At the end of the day, I know my family loves me just the same whether the sink is empty or full, whether I cook a well-balanced meal or we run through the Wendy’s drive-thru, and whether they have a clean pair of matching socks or not.
In addition to giving myself grace, I have found that it is important to give myself a guilt-free break every now and then.
Right now, I’m sitting in Panera, treating myself to an iced coffee. And guess what! I am here ALONE! I love my family more than anything but it is so important to get a break. When I need some alone time or time with friends, I always discuss it with my husband and he always says, “Go”.
Whereas before I was hesitant and felt guilty about going, now, I listen to him. I “go” and I do my best not to feel guilty about leaving him with the messy house, our daughter, and now our three-month-old son. Because you know what? Sometimes they are better off without me.
When I say that now though, I mean it in a completely different way.
By being gone for a couple of hours every couple of weeks to have some quiet time or see friends, I am taking care of myself. I come home refreshed and feeling at peace with whatever I walk into (messy house, crying baby, etc.).
Mamas, you have to take care of yourself in order to be the best you can be at taking care of your children. Why do you think when you are on a plane, they tell you that if there was an emergency, you are to first put YOUR oxygen mask on before helping others? Because if you don’t get yourself oxygen, you won’t be able to do anything for anyone else! Doing things for yourself isn’t selfish, it’s loving yourself!
So, as my husband says, “Go”. Go out for a coffee, go for a run, take a bubble bath, go out for a glass of wine – whatever! Just “go”, do what makes you happy! Because as Audrey Hepburn said, “Happy girls are the prettiest”.
Please, remember to sign up for my email list so you never miss anything flawsome around here! And grab your freebie on how to Get Lost in Your Child and really engage with them even on busy days (I’m off to watch CatFish and tend to the sick littles.) If you’d like to work with me, find out how! To see your words in my blog, contact me today for a guest spot!
If you have a little in diapers but aren’t sure which brand may fit the best for their little tush, feel free to try a mixed selection with the Diaper Dabbler!
For a long time, I fought the need for a babysitter or mother’s helper. Not because we couldn’t afford it (although, I’m definitely cheap and shelling out the cash was a block I had to overcome). But because I felt like being home with my kids and working my business was WHY I started in the first place, right?
And I COULD do both. Honestly, I can. However, I was a much better mom and businesswoman by hiring someone to come hang out with the kiddos for a day. My productivity skyrocketed, the girls had a fun day, I was here to lend a hand when needed or answer any questions, and my stress level drastically dropped.
Family, Fun, and Flaws is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.
Seriously, it was amazing.
Rather than refer to the babysitter as such, I call her a mother’s helper. Why? Because I’m still home, but she’s like a second set of hands to keep the children occupied (even cleaned up after their games and crafts and such). I think I accomplished 2-3x the amount I normally would have in the amount of time that she was here. Therefore, she paid for herself three or four-fold.
So, what should you look for in a mother’s helper? This list will help:
Trustworthy
Seems like this characteristic should be obvious if you’re putting your children in their care, right? Maybe. Yet, it’s an important one. Sometimes we feel “desperate” and want to bypass some of our intuitive feelings because of that. Take your time, vet the candidates appropriately, and have a little faith that you will find the right person for the position. Knowing that you won’t worry about their well-being if they are out of your line of sight ranks up there in key components.
Amicable
Children are GREAT judges of character. If the person does not jive with your personality, take that into consideration. Are they friendly? Do the kids like them? Now, don’t get me wrong. That stranger danger is strong in a lot of ages, which we should be thankful for and also bear in mind when interviewing. While being shy or standoffish is normal, you certainly do not want to hire someone that your children are visibly afraid of or treat badly. This person will need to be an authority figure as well as fun to keep them occupied.
Communicative
Having been a nanny and daycare worker, communication is vital in many relationships. Looking for a mother’s helper means finding someone who will be honest and they should not be afraid to tell you any information or ask you questions. Again, this may take a little bit of time for them to open up to you and establish that line, but if they are too combative or passive-aggressive, then it may not be a good fit for your needs. You also should be aware of if you are too combative or passive-aggressive.
Helpful
Are they willing to clean up after themselves and help clean up after the kids? If they do an art project, are you picking up the mess or do they put supplies back? While this may be nit-picky, the last thing you want to do is start harboring resentment for hiring someone you are then cleaning up after. Perhaps this point is not a make-or-break-it objective for you. But I take this bonus as exactly what a mother’s helper gets hired to do — make my job easier. So, when lunch is made AND put away, the kids have fun and are tidied up after, I can finish my work and go about my day without having to focus on the chaos that happened while my focus was elsewhere.
This list serves as a start of the essential elements you should look for in a mother’s helper candidate. Ultimately, you will know who the best choice will be for you and your family. What’s a characteristic you would want??
Please, remember to sign up to my email list so you never miss anything flawsome around here!
If you have a little in diapers but aren’t sure which brand may fit the best for their little tush, feel free to try a mixed selection with the Diaper Dabbler!
And grab your freebie on how to Get Lost in Your Child and really engage with them even on busy days. (I’m off to spend the day with the girls before brother gets out for the long weekend.)
“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.” — Hermann Hesse
Does your pulse speed up at the mention of the word delegation? Even though it becomes a necessity for most at some point in their business, but letting go of some of the control of items can be scary. What do you trust others to do, will the voice be enough like you, will it cost you more time… the list goes on.
BUT, if you take the leap, you’ll soon learn the ropes of what tasks can be delegated with ease and which should stay on your radar a little more heavily. That first leap is the important part. You’ll wonder, worry, and stress until you decide to go for it. Letting go of a little bit to gain more focus, and hopefully, grow your business even more than you had imagined. That’s the horizon to seek when delegating comes into play.
An Inc. article by Peter Economy entitled “5 Steps to Delegating Wisely” has some great tips for when you take that initial jump into the delegation pool.
To make a big splash and most of everyone’s time involved, let’s put my spin on them:
Clarity – The more room for interpretation in instructions, the higher the chances are that expectations will not be met and disappointment will follow. Explaining with clarity and transparency tends to be key.
Proper Authority – If someone is given a puzzle with a missing piece, it becomes difficult to complete and can hurt the working relationship.
Acknowledgment – Make sure those who are doing the work respond with understanding in case any questions need to be answered for the tasks given.
Keep Watch – While work is being delivered, noticing any errors or aspects that do not match your vision. Monitoring will allow you to know when more trust can be allowed or less trust needs to be put in place.
Correcting – While watching, you will be able to give feedback or reassign work if necessary and keep everyone on the same path, your path, to continue your business on a journey of growth and success.
I would love to help you with your delegating needs. Contact me today or ask for a FREE discovery call to see if I may help you get your feet wet.
As with any endeavor, there are pros and cons to each option of either hiring an employee or independent contractor. With an independent contractor, the major pro may be the fact that you’re saving yourself money. Stephen Fishman, J.D. on NOLO covers this and many more pros and cons in his article here.
When weighing the positives and negatives, you must also consider the circumstance. Ask yourselves some questions, like:
Do you need an employee or just temporary work?
If you need something more long-term, do they need to be available set hours or in a specific location, or is it more flexible tasks to be completed?
Can you learn to trust someone who may only see you via webcam?
These are just a few examples of good aspects to ponder. If you are aware of your needs, there are also ways to safeguard your information (like passwords) so as not to worry about those getting in the wrong hands. LastPass proves a great resource for protecting your passwords, but still allowing access to certain places (like social media accounts, etc.) if you are hesitant about sharing that information.
Another bonus of hiring an independent contractor is the fact that you don’t necessarily need to fill an employee’s plate with tasks that they do not specialize in and hope that they provide quality work on all fronts. You can find someone who is an expert in that niche, for example, graphic design – and delegate your work in them. Although you may find someone you are loyal to and fills your needs well without looking for numerous independent contractors, you’ll still be saving money for only paying for the projects worked on rather than someone being available 8-10 hours a day and adding in any benefits on top of the hourly pay.
Additionally, when hiring an independent contractor, you are not paying overhead expenses including taxes, medical insurance, benefits, pension, 401K, etc. If you are running your company online, you also are not paying for a location for an employee to come to work.
Do you have any questions I could help answer on this topic? Or a pro or con you’d like to contribute?
I’d love to hear from you.
Feel free to contact me if you’d like to discuss hiring me for a project or a more long-term working relationship OR schedule a discovery call to discuss options as well. Have a happy weekend!
Rose Clark is an authorized LANGUAGE OF LISTENING® Life and Parenting Coach who teaches parents skills to find healing through parenting their children and/or reparenting themselves. She specializes in connecting people with the messages of their emotions so they can hold boundaries with ease and show up for their families in ways they LOVE! You can follow her on Instagram @after_aces and join her Empowered Parents Facebook group here: https://facebook.com/groups/1732344856909528
